Shame

For us to connect with people and build strong relationships, we must allow ourselves to be seen—really seen. That can put us in a position of excruciating vulnerability. We’re designed to give each other comfort and support, to open our hearts to the people we love. Yet in our relationships, we often feel frustrated and distant.

Our feelings of shame get in the way of the closeness and connection we need. We end up hustling for our worthiness rather than standing in it. The expectations that drive shame are: for women it’s, “Do it all, do it perfectly and never look as if you’re working very hard” – which is a disastrous set-up. And for men it’s, “Don’t be perceived as weak.”

Have you ever heard that little voice in your head saying, “There must be something wrong with me, I’m not good enough… smart enough, rich enough, or thin enough”? That accusation is the spirit of shame. Shame is different from embarrassment or guilt. Embarrassment is to be uncomfortably visible. Guilt is the sense that we have violated a standard. Guilt says, “I did something bad,” shame says, “I am bad.” Shame doesn’t focus on the act committed; it focuses on you, the person who committed it. It’s a feeling that says, “I am defective!”

Shame is the most difficult and destructive of all emotions; if not controlled, it can destroy our self-worth and lead to hopelessness. Shame is a fear of disconnection—the experience of believing that we are unacceptable, flawed, and unworthy of connection. When we are engrossed in shame, we play the destructive game of comparing ourselves to others. Sometimes we cover it up by pleasing others or by trying to be perfect. Often, we pull back and spend more time alone.

We can all benefit from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. People connect more with those who have weaknesses. Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might think. By having the courage to be vulnerable and open up to the world around us, we come directly in touch with our most authentic self. And, in doing so, we can live a much more fulfilling and happier life.

A common way of managing shame is to “pass it on.” We hand it off to someone else by blaming them for our bad feelings. We don’t do it on purpose. But it happens a lot when couples feel frustrated, angry, or disconnected from each other. One person blames; the other person often reacts by blaming right back. I criticize you. Then you defend yourself and criticize me back. Then I defend myself and criticize you back. Around and around we go.