What is the best way to be there for someone when they are hurting or experiencing challenging times? How can we comfort them and ease their pain and suffering? This is a story that will touch your heart and hopefully help you understand why sometimes, when we jump to the wrong conclusions, it can affect us more than we realize.
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, “This is for you, Daddy.”
The man was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found out the box was empty. He yelled at her, stating, “Don’t you know, when you give someone a present, there is supposed to be something inside?” The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and cried, “Oh, Daddy, it’s not empty at all. I blew kisses into the box. They’re all for you, Daddy.”
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl and begged for her forgiveness.
Only a short time later, an accident took the life of the child. It is said that her father kept that gold box by his bed for years, and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each one of us, as human beings, has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses—from our children, family members, friends, and God. There is simply no other possession anyone could hold more precious than this.
The four attributes of empathy remind us that we can only create a genuine empathic connection if we are courageous enough to truly get in touch.
Perspective taking refers to being willing and able to see and feel the world through the eyes of the other, walking in their shoes as the saying goes. This requires putting aside our own concerns and really just listening to what they are going through.
Staying out of judgment means being open to what others are feeling and refraining from comments that invalidate their experience or make them feel wrong, such as “That’s nothing” or “I don’t know why you’re getting so upset about it.”
Recognizing emotions means looking within yourself and remembering what it is like to have the feeling the other person seems to be feeling. It is a willingness to acknowledge fully what they are feeling and perhaps naming it. You might say something like, “I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re feeling so sad about that.”
Communicating understanding means showing that you understand where they are and validating their feelings and experiences. You might say, for instance, “I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’ve been there. Tell me more about it.”
When we give others empathy, we allow them to feel, to be fully heard, and accepted. We also encourage compassion, authenticity, and intimacy to flourish in our relationships. Of course, by doing this, our loved ones are more likely to behave in a similar way when we’re hurting—meeting our pain with the warm embrace of understanding and kindness.
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